Eulogy by Alex

Introduction and thanks given

September 2nd 2017

First off I want to thank you all for attending and paying your respects to my brother James.

The past few months have been a nightmare and I don’t know where we’d be without the support you have given us. Our family has been deeply touched by the messages, cards, and gestures of friends and family through such hard times. We have suffered deeply, and it’s the kindness of friends, and to each other, that has enabled us to survive and keep going.

Personally, I want to thank Sophie and my parents for being there for me through everything, and to Dom, Serena and Laurence and Lee especially for all they have done to help me get through this. You have all helped us tremendously with the emotional healing needed to get through the worst time in our lives.

I also want to thank James’ tutors Keith and Carey for going out of their way to help our family, they have printed all of James digital art that you see hanging on the walls with no charge, and this summer they have fought for James to be awarded his Bsc degree in ‘Arts in animations and games art’, which we will receive towards the end of the eulogies.

I want to start this by saying that I love James with all my heart. I will always remember him, and I will always respect him. I will always miss him and treasure his memory and influence upon my life. He has made me who I am today and I will do my best to honour his memory today, and in my life here forth.

Personally, I’d find it easier to start with the great memories I have of James and all of the things I love and respect about him. However, I think given the circumstances, it is necessary and respectful for me to first give his loved ones an explanation of what happened to James’ mental health and as to how he ended up taking his own life.

James' trials through depression

NOTE: This is not a biography, and the way I structured this speech was to begin with the bad news, and the sad times. I then lead into happier memories and sentiments starting from 'My thoughts of James'. I believe the truth comes first, and that it's important to recognise both the good and bad in life.

James was born on the 7th October 1987 and died last year, on the 12th November 2016, he was 29 years old. He suffered from depression since he was about 13 years old. This began with the bullying he received throughout primary and secondary school, for being overweight, and by being friendly and non-aggressive in demeanour. In his teenage years, he had friends that bullied him psychologically which led to a breakdown when he was 17 where he dropped out of college.

He made a comeback in his late teens when he did the Prince’s trust course and painted a children’s library in Chaddeston (pictured below with the bear in winter painting). Then in his early 20s he achieved his A-levels in Art from South East Derbyshire College. He then attended Derby university and achieved highly in Digital Art and Games Design. However, he left in his second year as he wanted to do a degree that focused less on games design and more on sketching and designing characters. He took a life art course for a year or so, and there are some of his sketches of nude models around the building for you to see. However, I think this time allowed his depression to return stronger and he spent a great deal of time indoors.

He made another recovery when he found the ‘Arts in animations and games art’ degree at Doncaster college, where he attended for two years and created I think his greatest art there and he said he enjoyed the course and liked the tutors.  He was top of the class and was creating art of a very high standard, worthy of a place in the industry and a future as a professional artist. I believe he had a genetic advantage, as our grandad also painted with great skill and from a young age James’ talent was obvious, and it just seemed to come to him naturally.

Sadly, after his second year he fell into a third period of deep depression after a breakup with a girlfriend he had been talking to online but who treated him badly and stood him up whenever they were about to meet. He also had a fall out with a course-mate who appeared mentally unhinged which made James scared to go back to uni.

James was then back at home suffering badly with depression, until 2016 when he made some changes to the way he saw the world. He said he was ‘healing himself’ with self-therapy. He did this by writing everything down in journals and reflecting, amongst other techniques. He often said he needed to revisit his traumas in order to heal them in his mind using psychoanalytic techniques. Much of his self-counselling took place alone in the solitude of his room or in conversation with his family and best friend in the kitchen.

James' final year of life

July 12, 2025

He became interested in archaic wisdom; from the bible and certain societies throughout history.  He wanted to use this wisdom to resolve the personal issues that had troubled him throughout his life. He told us that he had finally resolved his depression. He indicated that he understood the world better now and was happier than he’d ever been. He was smiling more, exercising and eating healthier, and volunteering for charity. He said he was the happiest he’d ever been and was ready to be returning to uni. He had more confidence in conversation and had been drawing again. He painted incredible portraits of my mum and grandmother. He had also been creating a board game called ‘Archetactica’. We were confident in him returning to uni last September and happy for him that he was beating his depression.

However, in reality we were totally unaware of the state of James’ mental health, and I’m not really sure if he was aware himself. In November 2016, he took his own life. We now believe James suffered from Bipolar type II in his final year and experienced a manic episode which resulted in his suicide. It appears from his computer files that he was very depressed in October but did not reveal this to friends or family but instead withdrew. Then in November he was not sleeping for days, he isolated himself, and he became manic in his thoughts.

I think retrospect has allowed us to see what happened more clearly. At the time, we had no idea. We simply thought James had recovered from his depression and was in better spirits, as this is what he told us.

It is still so difficult to comprehend what has happened. When we found out, we were devastated and broken. I wish I could have done more to help, I wish I could have saved him. I wish I’d have known what was troubling him and just how much, and known what to do and say to make everything better. We’ve all felt regret and remorse at how suddenly we lost him, and how we had no idea what was going on. Finding out devastated the family. It’s been extremely hard to recover from our loss. I didn’t know life could get so bad. We were totally broken. I was so unwell with grief that my life seemed to just fall apart, and that’s partly why this memorial has taken so long to arrange. But over the months we have begun to rebuild and grow stronger with the help of friends and each other. It’s been teamwork, and we agreed when this happened that we were going to need to support each other and I’m glad to know that we have gotten through the worst of times.